How to Attract a Mate: Do the Creep

Do the Creep. Do the Creep.

The Moral of the Story:
This is how you make friends at the ATM.

This sad attempt as a mating ritual has been going on since the dawn of time. This vulturous behavior is primarily found among the male gender but there is now a rising female creeper population. The female practice is a bit more subtle than the male methods. For the most part, the female equivalent to the male creeper method of attraction is the phenomena known as "Facebook Creeping" or "Facebook Stalking." This popular practice is conducted through Facebook where the creeper "oogles" and "ogles" their target but has little to no intention of interacting with them, unlike their male counterparts. 

To make a thing clear, there is a difference between stalking and creeping. Stalking is the intent on which one is pursuing through obsession. "Creeping" is an opportunistic practice. Stalking and long term stalking can result in police intervention; creeping however merely results in a pathetic, yet entertaining, display of courtship. One can be potentially dangerous and the other could be potentially humiliating. Keep in mind though that creeping can result in stalking but true creepers never reach that level.

There are several more interpretation of the M.Os of creepers but in this post is probably the most simplistic.

The LonelyIsland can give you an idea of the practice.

Valentine's Day Sucks for Dentists, Diabetics and Dinosaurs

Valentine’s Day.

     It’s one of those holidays that don’t even qualify as a holiday because it, of course, is only created for commercial enterprise.

     I’m not hating on the “spirit” of V-Day, but I do get a growing respect for dentists. I mean, think of all that candy that people eat. When you have a Valentine’s you get candy from the significant other (unless you are diabetic, then that would have to be “sugar free, really gross” candy)—and usually it’s by the bucket full (most likely shaped in a heart)--BUT! Someone may also eat their single-ness away with their self-bought candy. So it’s a lose-lose for the enamel on your teeth. Plus, Valentine’s Day candy I think is probably all the rejected candy that wasn’t bought over the year and then recycled (I’m excluding those ridiculously priced, but ridiculously delicious candies), and then reformed into heart shaped sugary statements of lurrrrrrrve.

     I want to know if there is a spike in dentist visits after holidays such as Valentine’s Day. Or Easter. But, I’m not going to discuss Easter. That bunny and I have a bet going. And I can’t lose.

     I digress.

     Okay, so back to Valentine’s Day.

     It’s cool that there is a day marked out for one to share their love. Most cynics—[America seems to be the Hipster-Cynic Capital of the Universe]-- hate on Valentine’s day for its commercialized nature, but you know what? More power to the moneymakers who produce the cheap candy and pretty bouquets.       They are pretty to look at, and eat and red is a really rad color. February 14^th, is just like any other day except there is pressure for commitment, and what’s so bad about that? Sure your wallet may have a hole burned through it by the end of the night, but seriously—

      --If you throw a good v-day for your significant other, I think one will receive a fantastic reward for conforming.

     A.k.a.: The secks. Or at least, a great night by yourself (/and/ or with friends) pigging out on candy and watching sappy love movies as a testament to your awesomeness, or depression because you desire to share your heart with someone (and that’s not something to be ashamed of.) Or you don’t and just want the cheap candy.

     People call this holiday: “Single Awareness Day” as backlash against V-Day. Yep. It totally is, but at the same time, it’s kosher to be single. More money in your pocket. See? Always look on the bright side.    Cynics can kiss my lovely ass as I don’t have one thought or another on V-Day as a singlet or as involved-person. To each their own, right?

     I just feel bad for those dentists.

     And diabetics. Since they can’t eat the awesome, real, candy.

 

     There are some scenarios that I have thought of over the years of the perfect V-Day:

As a Single-Person:

So, in the morning, treat yourself to the best coffee shop in the world. Make sure your I-pod (or Zune, if anyone still has one…) is blasting a playlist made up of various artists singing their little hearts out about love and the various incarnations. Maybe not “Love the Way You Lie”, but more along the lines of “Check Yes Juliet” and “Hey There Delilah”, throw in some Techno too (or Dubstep)--I don’t know, just make your own playlist, this is hypothetical situation people!

Anyways, afterwards, walk around doing whatever you do and at night. Go to the store. Buy a lot of candy and your favorite take-out food. Go home. Watch a movie (or play videogames) and applaud yourself for being awesome.

      As a Not-Single person:

      Depending on who your partner is and likes, there can be many choices.

Unique: Be original.

1.     Make a scavenger hunt and cook dinner (you’ll have an all access pass for the night of bed-romping, unless well…you aren’t there yet in the relationship).

2.     Or go food-hopping, buying one appetizer from various establishments and picnic (if possible).

3.     Options are endless. Come on!

As a first-Date:

Awkward timing. But go for it if you really like the person I guess?

As a dinosaur:

Well, everyone knows dinosaurs are diabetic, and so they all went into diabetic shock when they celebrated the first V-Day—thus the extinction of the entire pre-historic world.

As a survivor of the apocalypse/zombie hordes:

Oh come on. Valentine’s day would be replaced with “most creative killing contest” and whoever wins gets the last recovered box of shitty chocolate hearts from Costco®.

So, moral of the story: Valentine’s Day is pretty sweet if you’re not a dinosaur, Diabetic and not a dentist. 

I'm Not Even Mad. I'm Impressed.

At this point, I can't even get mad. In fact, I am thoroughly impressed. Like genuinely impressed. Not in a bad way. Its impressive like how  actors like Seth Rogen,  Adam Sandler,  and all those other Hollywood shlubs end up in love (banging) the hottest chick in the film.  Or impressive like how Seth Rogen became a superhero (well not "super" I guess but a comic book icon...) Or even how I manage to get decent grades in school when I start my shit the night before (I do not recommend this approach, for instance as I am writing this, I should be writing a critical analysis of something I don't care about).

Either way I wish I was this impressive.

Apparently it takes three days from a a thing of beauty to go to hell. From an empty sink devoid of dirty pots to a crime scene worthy of a FBI investigation. I am thoroughly convinced that I have evil gnomes in my house who take delight in torturing my pure and virgin soul (lies....). I have tried catching these elusive little bastards but alas, I am always outsmarted by those pointy hat midgets. 

When in doubt, blame it on the gnomes.

As an expert, I can tell you that these little, evil creatures dwell in everyone's home. There are different sub-species of evil gnomes and they all relate to some kind of chore that A.) you hate or B.) you don't want to do or both of the above. Regardless of whether you like it or not they are here to stay because they have nothing to do and because they are A-holes who also happen to be the lesser known cousins of the herps.

...herpes for those of you need a 

little help putting two and two together.


End.

Schemes of the Sun: Fake Tans and Republicans

I know their scheme, and will take Vitamin D
instead! Suck it you Republican Sun of a [Tan]Bitch!

            Everyone sees them. Everyone gawks at them. Bros [definition: hyper-masculine d-bag who wears Tapout®, a sideways “lid” (a baseball cap worn to the side with the gold head-width sticker still attached and yells things like “HEY BRO”) like them. Okay, to give some credit, these guys are just trying to look badass and tough, but it fails miserably because deep down in side, they are sensitive guys who just want to put up a front. Okay, so they aren’t totally d-bags, but their machismo is. So… there. A sorta apology for earlier.

            Okay. So back to what I initially wanted to write about.

            Fake tans.

            Really?

            >insert eye roll here<

            Up here in the tundra of the northwest (Washington) having a “tan” in winter is an obvious sign that there are hybrid plant people among us. I think today is the first full day of sun for the last four or five weeks, and lo and behold, the lovely girls are as goldenly-orange as ever. (random note: Goldenly apparently is a word, I am surprised). Okay, so this isn’t a hate-on-tan blog, but more like a hate-on-that-we-never-have-sun-which-forces-girls-to-eat-UV carrots-or-something-like-that-blog. Seriously SUN! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

            The worst part is that you know its winter when the girls in their fake-tan glory strut their little ASS-ets around in matching track suits, Uggs® and wear insane amounts of make-up that can qualify as special effects. I mean, in all honestly, it’s WINTER. TAKE THIS SEASON SERIOUSLY. It sucks. If the sun was out, then one can extrapolate that these girls may have acquired their beautiful carrot-toned skin. Sun. Come on! Back these girls up! They are just trying to remind us that sun does exist and that the Northwest desperately needs it.

            But no. You are being lame and hiding like the little emo-bitch you are behind layers of depressed clouds and forcing these sun-goddesses to subject their skin to ultraviolet lights.

            SUN! YOU ARE GIVING FAKE-TAN-GIRLS CANCER.

            For shame.

            These sun-hunting-mavericks are defying your absence by subjecting themselves, the forward thinking women, to bathe in rays of CANCER.

            >I pause as I put all the pieces together<

            Hey! Wait a minute!

It all makes sense now!

And you almost had me!

I know your ultimate plan, Sun! I know that those UV beds of death are just charging up these girls with mind-control to do your bidding! You are giving them cancer to kill them, then resurrect them as sexy-mind-controlled-zombies to convince others here in the Northwest that we “don’t” need you, but-we-actually-do because these girls look “so-good!” with your divine burns! You think you are so cunning Mr. Giant-Ball-of-Fiery-Fire.

            But I saw through your diabolical plan.

            I’m siding with the moon.

            I am taking up arms against you and your Tanorexic cult! Ah Hell no.

            I’m taking Vitamin D bitch! Take that pharmaceutical companies own by the Republicans! Anti-depressants and other pharmaceutical drugs my ass! It’s just you [Republicans] made a deal with the Sun, and the Sun is getting a massive payout of future Fake-Tan Followers for mind control!

Moral of the Story:

Fake-tans=Republican Mind Control because fake-tans participate to GDP and by proxy the Corporations who contribute to the GOP.

End.

The Cosmos Suck.

Moral of the Story:

Stars will always be better than you.

Do you ever think that the cosmos, Jay Leno (well actually this is likely... TEAM COCO, anyway...) and God are not on your side? Do you get to the point where things are so ridiculous that you can't take them seriously anymore? WELL sometimes the cosmos just like to fuck with you and call it a day. Apparently I'm number on on their hit list. No I am not sitting in a corner, in a black room, listening to My Chemical Romance while writing breakup poetry (HTTM reference anyone?) I am sitting in a nice little homey cafe writing about how the cosmos suck.

Stars. For thousands of years human kind has wondered what stars were and how they were created. Well the answer is that they are fireflies stuck on a big bluish black thing (guess what I just referenced). You know, I would like to say that is the answer but its wrong. Sorry to disappoint you but in all actuality stars are giant balls of gas. My family has pretty epic farts but the cosmos just had to be a dick and take that honor away from us. See? That is one of the many reasons why the cosmos suck. If I had a wish, I would make the cosmos into a hipster and then bitch slap it with a stick made of pure badass-ery until it apologizes profusely for messing with my life.

Okay, enough with the anger towards the intangible cosmos (for now), here is the line up... (And I am pretty damn sure that every single one of you has been here once or twice and if you say that this hasn't ever happened, you my friend are sitting upon a throne of lies.)

Ice. Ice. After a glorious weekend of drinking and celebrating our (MY) beloved holiday of a birthday, drama pursued afterwards. It doesn't do me any purpose to state what it is and all I'll say is that having that happen after a night of drinking then having to make a five hour drive back to school, no bueno. On my way home, I had to make a treacherous ascent up a snowy mountain pass only to have to put on essentially retard proof chains which after I put them on, I want my money back because this retard was not out- proofed by those retard- proof chains. Once I get those bad boys on my little Jetta, I drive a mile only to be told I don't need them. Oh and did I mention that it took me 45 min to put those suckers on? Just sayin'. Anyway six hours later, I arrive at my humble abode.

The week that ensued managed to contain me eating it hard on the ice around campus about three times. You may say its not that bad but when you find your feet flying above your head, you have a problem. It was at the entrance of College Hall and people were just getting out of class only to find me sprawled and barricading the door. I have no dignity so I just brushed it off and went my way. My ass disagreed with me. I had a hard time sitting for a few days.

Over the next few weeks there was more cosmic fun to be had. My class that I had looked forward to all year was cancelled. My phone went by the wayside. I spilled my coffee (as previously stated in http://twinsdohavepsychicpowers.blogspot.com/2011/01/its-buffalo-and-crocodile-kind-of-day.html), smacked my head on a projector screen, got schooled by a freshman and fell off the treadmill.Yes. These things really did happen.

Eventually the cosmos must have gotten bored because after everything that could physically happen to me, short of falling off a building, I went to school in a helmet, a mouth guard, a pillow strapped to my butt, shin guards and a cup, (not really but I would have been wearing one if I was dude).

Its quite possible that I could be blowing things out of proportion but I'm a senior. I have little time to be rational.

Suck it cosmos.

End.

WWAHD?

Beware The Hipster I have a warning to issue to you way beings as well:

The Hipster. Dun….dun…dunnnnnnnnnnnnn!

If you don’t know what a hipster is, then you have been spared the vision of every failed fad since the dawn of man. Not only are Hipsters amalgamations of clashing coifs, cataract-inducing color schemes and badly designed useless eyewear, the worst part is—

--The affluence of these kids’ parents. Yes, being a hipster is a handicapped way of saying, “I’m a bohemian! on my parent’s dime because I am a pretentious prick who thinks they know what struggle is.” I don’t get it.

A hipster in their natural habitat—something apparently “not mainstream”, like a crack house that serves coffee and free-shitty-wifi, or a book reading of Ted Kasczynski’s Unabomber Manifesto while playing MGMT and passing the communal Pabst Blue Ribbon. While desiring to understand this Hipster culture, I needed to immerse myself into this subculture of a subculture, but I had to figure out how to go about it.

Step 1: Go to Goodwill, and American Apparel®.

When I observed this unique hunt for the perfect paisley print that was two times bigger than my already curvy figure (basically trash bag status), I overheard two girls talking about—well, this is what I gathered—bands. Not just any bands, but bands with the weirdest damn names:

Hipster Girl 1: “Well, like, I mean, you have to listen to them. They burned their own vinyl, on top of another vinyl”

Me:( Listening through the rack of musty old-lady clothes) They can do that?

Hipster Girl 2: “No way. You haven’t heard about Scratching-The-Man’s-Back-With-Iron-Wool I bet?” She has a smirk of, I am better than you, bitch.

Hipster Girl 1: (Surprise) “I totally love that group!”

            Hipster Girl 2: “I made it up. But that’s what I would want my band to be called. STMBWIW. Yeah. That would be pretty rad.”

            Hipster Girl 1: (Blushes and is flustered) “Well whatever. I think I am thinking of another band with a long name like that.” Awkward pause. “So, wanna go hit up the record store? I have my new record player my mom got me from Urban Outfitters ®?”

            Hipster Girl 2: “That sounds good. We should grab some soy-chai before we go to your house though. I am going to need the caffeine before tonight where we go to that house party with fake mustaches:

Hipster Girl 1: “Oh yeah! I can’t forget my monocle either.”

That little exchange redoubled my efforts to look for the especially paisley prints. I crossed my fingers hoping the collar would have lace, or something like that.

After an hour, I carried a bag full of old-lady garb that I would make “fashionable” with some homemade belt made out of electrical wire or something because it would be considered a maverick art form.

At American Apparel® I balked at the amount of Hipsters, hoarding and planning their next raid of fads to combine. I watched them with a keen eye and picked out what they had chosen. Some gold leggings, cloth flats and some headband-y thing I would wear with my grotesquely large paisley-printed grandma shirt.

Cashier: “That’s going to be 98.56$”

I was shocked. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I broke my cover.

Suddenly, all the Hipsters, through their lense-less Nerd glasses stared at me. Oh No! They’ve spotted me.

I booked it out of there. The gold leggings would have to be put on hold indefinitely.

Step 2: Putting the Look Together

           

Spend three hours in the bathroom teasing your non-greasy, but-greased out hair. Make sure your make up is either really bold, or nonexistent, but you still have to wear some makeup. When that is all said and done, your hair and all that effort needs to have a large floppy hat placed over it. In my case, I teased the shit out of my hair, brushed it down and repeated the process about twelve times and then added the headband down.

            Lastly, draw the infamous mustaches on the inside of your dominant hands’ fingers for facebook photos.

Step 3: Give a “I-don’t-give-a-shit-attitude-because-I’m-hot-shit-attitude”

            When your hasbeen friends, or those less educated in obscurity than you greet you with a smile and a wave, make sure not to make eye contact, and shrug with an indifferent: “Hey.” Then proceed (if outside) to pull out a cheap pack of cigarettes and light one because you are so not-mainstream and need to de-stress from the socio-normative interaction.

            (I didn’t do any of that considering my friends were very far away from me and wouldn’t see me caught dead in this look; but that’s the interaction I usually get from Hipsters—but that’s what I would do if the scenario came to fruition).

            Make sure if you do fully dive into Hipsterville, that you negate everything mainstream that your peer is talking about and say, “ugh, that’s so mainstream.”

            When your parents yell at you about spending money on crappy-but-expensive-clothes, retort with: “You wouldn’t understand!” Then proceed to smoke your next de-stress cigarette, and text your friends that your parents are so out of the loop and don’t understand my feelings and your differences that make you unique. They are just a part of a blind society!

           

Step 4: Go to a Hipster’s House Party

So, I went to a Hipster-oriented party. Obscure music and some electronic accordion blasted through the house. The house’s band played and sang about radioactive pandas as an allegory to the deadness of society. Cigarette smoke wafted throughout the rooms.

Dressed in my camouflage, as a way to be one with the Hipster, I had to restrain myself from talking as well as fake-drink my handed PBR beer in order not to blow my cover. I watched sexually-comfortable (but very insecure) guys, who dressed themselves in shredded jean shorty-shorts with obscenely colorful deep-plunge v-neck (no doubt about it, 30$ American Apparel®) talking about, you guessed it, obscure bands and movies. They wore their Hipster Shades at night talked about the mainstream—insert overly pseudo-political and economic conspiracy here—problem.

I laughed. And then the two Hipsters looked at me.

Hipster guy 1: “What’s so funny?”

Me: Oh shit! What do I say? I frantically think of something unremarkable. “Psh. I know.”—I restrained from showing emotion and just looking pissed off.—“Mainstream society is just so mainstream. It’s hard for me to under-fucking-stand.” I cross my fingers, waiting for backlash, or my cover to be blown.

Hipster guy 2: “Man, she is totally”—almost as if it was in slow motion—“right.” I was relieved and the conversation continued between the two Hipsters.

Me: Jesus, that was close.

The night ended with a bunch of guys and girls, who were so comfortable with themselves, sleeping in various positions with each other, hammered from a PBR and cigarette overdose. There may have been other contraband, but I stand in the main room of the party, intently studying this subculture.

          

            Final Thoughts:

          

            So my experience with the Hipster cult resulted in me getting asked for my number by some Hipster guys, hoping to connect with a female-Hipster to talk about their struggle with growing up. I gave them the suicide-help-line number, hoping that that when they needed a reality check: that would be it.

           I would kill myself if I were a Hipster.

           So, please, Hipster Culture…..

           Just die already.

           And to Hipsters:

           Get a job and get clothes that fit you and aren’t made of out plastic bags, or paisley prints that even my grandmother wouldn’t wear.

Sincerely,

The Rest of Society

The Moral of the Story:

Keep all blunt objects away from society in the 

presence of a Hipster.

           End.

The Drawktopus

Moral of the story:

Don't waste electricity

The Drawktopus. It is a mysterious creature that dwells in every artist. This magnificent beast steals inspiration from every artist thus preventing them from drawing a masterpiece, like drawing Benjamin Franklin riding a T- Rex with an AK- 47 in one hand, the head of Medusa in the other and with a knife between the teeth. It is every artists worst nightmare. It entangles you in it's tentacles and dangles your pen in front of you like putting a Twinkie on a stick to coerce a fat person to run. With your poor pen out of reach, you are stuck there until the drawktopus gets bored and leaves only to someday return and taunt you once more.

I forgot to mention, the Drawktopus serves another purpose which is to distract you from school and write nonsense in your journal all day then leaving you with nothing learned.

All this overpriced education only to be ransacked by the dreaded Drawktopus.