Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentine's Day Sucks for Dentists, Diabetics and Dinosaurs

Valentine’s Day.
     It’s one of those holidays that don’t even qualify as a holiday because it, of course, is only created for commercial enterprise.
     I’m not hating on the “spirit” of V-Day, but I do get a growing respect for dentists. I mean, think of all that candy that people eat. When you have a Valentine’s you get candy from the significant other (unless you are diabetic, then that would have to be “sugar free, really gross” candy)—and usually it’s by the bucket full (most likely shaped in a heart)--BUT! Someone may also eat their single-ness away with their self-bought candy. So it’s a lose-lose for the enamel on your teeth. Plus, Valentine’s Day candy I think is probably all the rejected candy that wasn’t bought over the year and then recycled (I’m excluding those ridiculously priced, but ridiculously delicious candies), and then reformed into heart shaped sugary statements of lurrrrrrrve.
     I want to know if there is a spike in dentist visits after holidays such as Valentine’s Day. Or Easter. But, I’m not going to discuss Easter. That bunny and I have a bet going. And I can’t lose.
     I digress.
     Okay, so back to Valentine’s Day.
     It’s cool that there is a day marked out for one to share their love. Most cynics—[America seems to be the Hipster-Cynic Capital of the Universe]-- hate on Valentine’s day for its commercialized nature, but you know what? More power to the moneymakers who produce the cheap candy and pretty bouquets.       They are pretty to look at, and eat and red is a really rad color. February 14th, is just like any other day except there is pressure for commitment, and what’s so bad about that? Sure your wallet may have a hole burned through it by the end of the night, but seriously—
      --If you throw a good v-day for your significant other, I think one will receive a fantastic reward for conforming.
     A.k.a.: The secks. Or at least, a great night by yourself (/and/ or with friends) pigging out on candy and watching sappy love movies as a testament to your awesomeness, or depression because you desire to share your heart with someone (and that’s not something to be ashamed of.) Or you don’t and just want the cheap candy.
     People call this holiday: “Single Awareness Day” as backlash against V-Day. Yep. It totally is, but at the same time, it’s kosher to be single. More money in your pocket. See? Always look on the bright side.    Cynics can kiss my lovely ass as I don’t have one thought or another on V-Day as a singlet or as involved-person. To each their own, right?
     I just feel bad for those dentists.
     And diabetics. Since they can’t eat the awesome, real, candy.
     There are some scenarios that I have thought of over the years of the perfect V-Day:
As a Single-Person:
So, in the morning, treat yourself to the best coffee shop in the world. Make sure your I-pod (or Zune, if anyone still has one…) is blasting a playlist made up of various artists singing their little hearts out about love and the various incarnations. Maybe not “Love the Way You Lie”, but more along the lines of “Check Yes Juliet” and “Hey There Delilah”, throw in some Techno too (or Dubstep)--I don’t know, just make your own playlist, this is hypothetical situation people!
Anyways, afterwards, walk around doing whatever you do and at night. Go to the store. Buy a lot of candy and your favorite take-out food. Go home. Watch a movie (or play videogames) and applaud yourself for being awesome.
      As a Not-Single person:
      Depending on who your partner is and likes, there can be many choices.
Unique: Be original.
1.     Make a scavenger hunt and cook dinner (you’ll have an all access pass for the night of bed-romping, unless well…you aren’t there yet in the relationship).
2.     Or go food-hopping, buying one appetizer from various establishments and picnic (if possible).
3.     Options are endless. Come on!

As a first-Date:
Awkward timing. But go for it if you really like the person I guess?

As a dinosaur:
Well, everyone knows dinosaurs are diabetic, and so they all went into diabetic shock when they celebrated the first V-Day—thus the extinction of the entire pre-historic world.

As a survivor of the apocalypse/zombie hordes:
Oh come on. Valentine’s day would be replaced with “most creative killing contest” and whoever wins gets the last recovered box of shitty chocolate hearts from Costco®.

So, moral of the story: Valentine’s Day is pretty sweet if you’re not a dinosaur, Diabetic and not a dentist. 


  1. Wouldn't Valentines day be awesome for dentists though? I mean that's going to be a large spike in income!

  2. What about the chiropractors? With all those old people trying to re-light their relationships the chiropractors must get a boon too.


  3. ^ I have to say that I, TheJooj, concur.