Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Schemes of the Sun: Fake Tans and Republicans

I know their scheme, and will take Vitamin D
instead! Suck it you Republican Sun of a [Tan]Bitch!
            Everyone sees them. Everyone gawks at them. Bros [definition: hyper-masculine d-bag who wears Tapout®, a sideways “lid” (a baseball cap worn to the side with the gold head-width sticker still attached and yells things like “HEY BRO”) like them. Okay, to give some credit, these guys are just trying to look badass and tough, but it fails miserably because deep down in side, they are sensitive guys who just want to put up a front. Okay, so they aren’t totally d-bags, but their machismo is. So… there. A sorta apology for earlier.
            Okay. So back to what I initially wanted to write about.
            Fake tans.
            >insert eye roll here<
            Up here in the tundra of the northwest (Washington) having a “tan” in winter is an obvious sign that there are hybrid plant people among us. I think today is the first full day of sun for the last four or five weeks, and lo and behold, the lovely girls are as goldenly-orange as ever. (random note: Goldenly apparently is a word, I am surprised). Okay, so this isn’t a hate-on-tan blog, but more like a hate-on-that-we-never-have-sun-which-forces-girls-to-eat-UV carrots-or-something-like-that-blog. Seriously SUN! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
            The worst part is that you know its winter when the girls in their fake-tan glory strut their little ASS-ets around in matching track suits, Uggs® and wear insane amounts of make-up that can qualify as special effects. I mean, in all honestly, it’s WINTER. TAKE THIS SEASON SERIOUSLY. It sucks. If the sun was out, then one can extrapolate that these girls may have acquired their beautiful carrot-toned skin. Sun. Come on! Back these girls up! They are just trying to remind us that sun does exist and that the Northwest desperately needs it.
            But no. You are being lame and hiding like the little emo-bitch you are behind layers of depressed clouds and forcing these sun-goddesses to subject their skin to ultraviolet lights.
            For shame.
            These sun-hunting-mavericks are defying your absence by subjecting themselves, the forward thinking women, to bathe in rays of CANCER.
            >I pause as I put all the pieces together<
            Hey! Wait a minute!
It all makes sense now!
And you almost had me!

I know your ultimate plan, Sun! I know that those UV beds of death are just charging up these girls with mind-control to do your bidding! You are giving them cancer to kill them, then resurrect them as sexy-mind-controlled-zombies to convince others here in the Northwest that we “don’t” need you, but-we-actually-do because these girls look “so-good!” with your divine burns! You think you are so cunning Mr. Giant-Ball-of-Fiery-Fire.
            But I saw through your diabolical plan.
            I’m siding with the moon.
            I am taking up arms against you and your Tanorexic cult! Ah Hell no.
            I’m taking Vitamin D bitch! Take that pharmaceutical companies own by the Republicans! Anti-depressants and other pharmaceutical drugs my ass! It’s just you [Republicans] made a deal with the Sun, and the Sun is getting a massive payout of future Fake-Tan Followers for mind control!

Moral of the Story:
Fake-tans=Republican Mind Control because fake-tans participate to GDP and by proxy the Corporations who contribute to the GOP.



  1. Did you know that if you take too much Vitamin D you become paranoid and insane?

  2. don't forget about rubber rain boots...when it's not raining...