Monday, January 31, 2011

The Cosmos Suck.

Moral of the Story:
Stars will always be better than you.
Do you ever think that the cosmos, Jay Leno (well actually this is likely... TEAM COCO, anyway...) and God are not on your side? Do you get to the point where things are so ridiculous that you can't take them seriously anymore? WELL sometimes the cosmos just like to fuck with you and call it a day. Apparently I'm number on on their hit list. No I am not sitting in a corner, in a black room, listening to My Chemical Romance while writing breakup poetry (HTTM reference anyone?) I am sitting in a nice little homey cafe writing about how the cosmos suck.

Stars. For thousands of years human kind has wondered what stars were and how they were created. Well the answer is that they are fireflies stuck on a big bluish black thing (guess what I just referenced). You know, I would like to say that is the answer but its wrong. Sorry to disappoint you but in all actuality stars are giant balls of gas. My family has pretty epic farts but the cosmos just had to be a dick and take that honor away from us. See? That is one of the many reasons why the cosmos suck. If I had a wish, I would make the cosmos into a hipster and then bitch slap it with a stick made of pure badass-ery until it apologizes profusely for messing with my life.

Okay, enough with the anger towards the intangible cosmos (for now), here is the line up... (And I am pretty damn sure that every single one of you has been here once or twice and if you say that this hasn't ever happened, you my friend are sitting upon a throne of lies.)

Ice. Ice. After a glorious weekend of drinking and celebrating our (MY) beloved holiday of a birthday, drama pursued afterwards. It doesn't do me any purpose to state what it is and all I'll say is that having that happen after a night of drinking then having to make a five hour drive back to school, no bueno. On my way home, I had to make a treacherous ascent up a snowy mountain pass only to have to put on essentially retard proof chains which after I put them on, I want my money back because this retard was not out- proofed by those retard- proof chains. Once I get those bad boys on my little Jetta, I drive a mile only to be told I don't need them. Oh and did I mention that it took me 45 min to put those suckers on? Just sayin'. Anyway six hours later, I arrive at my humble abode.

The week that ensued managed to contain me eating it hard on the ice around campus about three times. You may say its not that bad but when you find your feet flying above your head, you have a problem. It was at the entrance of College Hall and people were just getting out of class only to find me sprawled and barricading the door. I have no dignity so I just brushed it off and went my way. My ass disagreed with me. I had a hard time sitting for a few days.

Over the next few weeks there was more cosmic fun to be had. My class that I had looked forward to all year was cancelled. My phone went by the wayside. I spilled my coffee (as previously stated in, smacked my head on a projector screen, got schooled by a freshman and fell off the treadmill.Yes. These things really did happen.

Eventually the cosmos must have gotten bored because after everything that could physically happen to me, short of falling off a building, I went to school in a helmet, a mouth guard, a pillow strapped to my butt, shin guards and a cup, (not really but I would have been wearing one if I was dude).

Its quite possible that I could be blowing things out of proportion but I'm a senior. I have little time to be rational.

Suck it cosmos.